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(or, what to do if you own a dinosaur)
In keeping with the show's focus on modems, let's ask what you can do if you've got a modem slower than 28.8. If you've got a 14.4, it's still not that bad for online access, but there are some things you can do to make the process less tedious.

With your web browser, try turning the autoload graphics option off. This will make most pages load much faster. A well designed web site will have text descriptions of the graphics that give you an idea of what you're
missing, and many sites have text only versions. You can always turn graphics-loading back on if a site just doesn't work without them.

If you're using America Online, upgrade to at least version 3.0 if your system can handle it. Starting with this version, AOL will let you continue to navigate while graphics are still loading, so you don't have to wait for all those cutesy little icons. Another option is to use a text only browser such as Lynx. Your Internet Service Provider may have a copy on their server that you can use.

So what if you've got a modem that's even slower than 14.4? Well, you can still use it for faxing, but we would instead suggest a simple ceremony in the back yard with a few close friends and a shovel. Maybe in a few years you can invite the neighborhood kids over for an archaeology lesson.